Love Patterns: Nobody's Fool

"You’re an emotional hoarder, you don't let anything out" 

A nice way to start the day for the singles is a morning text from your special interest, giving your mind the same reaction when you complete a goal or orgasm. Our brains light up because of the excitement of receiving new information about them. This is how Danica starts off her day. She collects her free shot of caffeine from her admirer Frank that she pays no attention to other than his usefulness. He must have factored the maths to be that consistent to someone who pays him no mind.

She arrives at work and is briefed on the new campaign revolving around a fragrance that can attract a woman's dream partner. The pressure and micro-aggressions about being single from her manager, cause her stress levels to rise to perform well. She proposes that women like the idea of creating a list of what their ideal partner should be like and that the perfume can grant that. "What's wrong with having a list", her colleague calls out her idea for being silly but Danica feeds the tradition of how her mother conjured her father into her life. She shares her list with Kalli, her best friend, which consists of career and physical requirements which are sadly external and superficial traits. She is filled with joy because her love interest ticks those needs, giving him the perception that he is 'the one'.

She collects Tanya, her sister from a correctional facility to accommodate her. When they reach Danica's apartment, Tanya's reaction is more than acceptable considering her conditions for the past five years. She gives her sister praise for using her brains rather than her body to achieve her success. She points out how Danica's desire to get away from the hood and get an education wasn't the only thing she was leaving behind. Tanya feels she left parts of herself behind and disguised it as she did what she had to do.

After showing gratitude for her hospitality, Tanya is curious about who she is sharing her fabulous life with. Kalli informs her about her romantic interest who she hasn't met in person and is still suffering from her traumatic breakup with her ex-partner. The obsession of ignoring pain to appear in control, professional and unbothered is a disease of success people don't address. It is not normal to bury experiences in order to sustain wealth and image. Tanya's shock to the news and suspicion about her love interest gives her a strong indication that he is using a fake profile thus suggesting Catfish. Charlie (her crush) hears about the wedding fiasco and encourages the idea of marriage. He reminds her they are soulmates and reassures her that their chemistry will hold in person.

The next day Tanya and Danica go job hunting and grab a coffee before going to the unemployment office. Tanya and Frank are introduced and is made aware of her job efforts. Her savvy barista skills convince him to valiantly offer her a job and help with the felon process. The compassion and enthusiasm behind the gesture show a level of appreciation and understanding that is rare. After Tanya's first shift, Danica walks into Frank's AA meeting and is stunned by the display of emotion, growth and vulnerability. She finds Frank's criminal information and begins shutting him out seconds after seeing his noble efforts into helping his community. His criminal information being visible online is equivalent to how social media platforms heavily influence our perceptions of someone and their worth despite what they show us in reality. Tanya vouches for Frank very sternly for several reasons. The biggest trait being his character which Danica fails to acknowledge because of her expectations in a partner.

Tanya and Kalli set up the catfish operation to investigate Charlie. He doesn't make the call and that's where Danica's identity goes into a meltdown. The energy she would pour into her image vanished and led her to suspension. Her mother comes round to check on her in her time of need. 

"Mama I'm smart"

Danica's speech about being educated, independent and doing everything right is the equivalent of going to school, getting top grades and thinking you deserve to be in the best-paid job. You will be commended for doing the right thing but that's according to a system that was designed for you to not succeed. Self-improvement and truly learning from past experiences is what leads to personal success. "Success is liking what you do and how you do it".

Following flawed dating rules and playing mind games and expecting an amazing relationship is suicidal. Being clammed up in a mindset of expectations causes your sense of self to erode until you strip away your ego to find out who you are, behind false achievements and dating ideologies. Debates and podcasts are getting to the core of why relationships and the dating market is collapsing at a rate never seen before. We are the most single and most successful generation. It has become so transactional that soon, a market will be birthed solely for emotions and vulnerability and will be as popular as the sex industry if it continues. 

"Handle your business then move on, how you're moving is not healthy" 

Hoarding our emotions for insane levels of time have drastic consequences on our health. Sharing how you feel about something has never been weak, suffering alone in silence is not a sign of mental toughness, it's torture. It has been perceived as having a warriors spirit and that is far from it.

"You told me you love me.........so that ain't enough"

The disrespect Danica gives Frank due to her perception of him not being good enough is a reflection of how we vicariously treat others who we think are not up to our standards. His speech about acknowledging his self-love, hard work, self-respect and integrity is why he chooses to hold his head high. Overcoming his battles to see life from both sides of the spectrum and apply a sense of gratitude for whatever obstacles he's had to face. The chances he's given her is evidence of how it looks to give someone you care about several chances even when they embarrass you. Frank is what most stand up men from all walks of life have gone through or are going through right now but are being rejected or socially downplayed and having their tangible efforts being dismissed.

 Action and commitment to growth got him to the position he has attained. Frank and Tanya are portrayals of rehabilitation which on the surface are rejected because of their past but they are representations of people going through difficult circumstances and what it looks like to grow as individuals.

Frank gave her a part of herself she thought she would find in all the lifestyle she was told to obtain. The gestures and space he provided for her to heal are what most people overlook because they don't match their flawed imagination of true love. Being suspicious is natural when you have been done wrong. Society has made it normal to be deceptive, people will most likely turn away help even if it's for a problem they didn't know that could be fixed. Someone helping you and extending their gratitude with no hidden agenda is a sign that they naturally care about you because they simply want to make your life easier. Not being able to see beyond the surface can blind you from seeing honest effort. Opportunistic behaviour is helping someone at the expense of morals and ethics.  

Everyone finds out Charlie is a real person, his repetitive use of the term soul mate is a trigger word that allows Danica to give them a chance. The term has been used loosely; your parents, friends, co-workers and enemies are also soul mates. The genuine connection, effort and appreciation over time are what we value within these relationships. From the romantic aspect, it has been manipulated to serve the purpose of 'the one' leading many of us to altered perceptions of love and relationships. After the date with Charlie, she realised his energy was superficial. Spending time with a genuine person who appreciates everything about her is something she became attached to.

Catfish was the representation for image persona meaning it exposed not only personalities but also the scenarios we create about people and how the list is a subconscious way of demanding perfection from life. You get what you need from life, it just doesn't come to you the way you envision it. Danica's epiphany was an out-of-body experience because of how much she had to surrender her pride and fear of rejection. Her trauma and hyper dependent ways obstructed her vision of seeing the blessing that Frank was. Trusting the evidence in front of her and not her thwarted expectations made her take a leap of faith which is the missing piece.

It's normal to add on requirements when something doesn't work out with someone but it is the attachment to the list that creates suffering. With thorough self-evaluation from the flings and situationships to serious relationships, you are more likely to receive what is a perfect fit for you. That doesn't mean you stop experiencing heartaches and disappointments, they just won't last as long when you learn the true lessons they provide. Human beings learn the most about themselves in relationships, it's not a surprise people are so focused on what they can get rather than how much they can give. We have one foot in and out to spare ourselves from the growth and keeping our options of finding a better deal.

The opposite of pride is love and the opposite of looking perfect is looking like a fool. Willing to not look perfect in the pursuit of love is something so many have refused to go through. Being vulnerable enough with your actions to say I'm not perfect and to build with someone who makes the effort to be a better person every day. Asking for something as profound as true love is about the journey, not the picture.